Earlier, I sent a text to twitter: "Today is a weird day". Today is not the only weird day though.
As I count down the weeks til my "final summer vacation", I find myself kind of walking through a fog. I have a lot of small tasks to do- finishing up class papers and presentations, fixing last minute details on various websites for work, and also trying to make time to celebrate the little things with friends. But it's all very surreal; it's like time is blending together and fooling me into thinking I've got more than I actually do- and it's starting to hit me that I don't have that time.
I called this post "between places" because that's kind of how I feel right now. I got this feeling a bit at the end of my senior year of high school too. Even though I'm still a junior here, I stil get the feeling that I don't quite belong where I am, but I'm not quite ready to move on yet either.
Although my college experience definitely has it's ups and downs, I really like the community here, and I've learned a ton since I started college just a few years ago. The art department has, quite literally, become my safe haven and family unit here on campus. Just the smell of it is familiar now; I walk in and know it's safe to breathe again. There's always someone hanging around to goof off or chat with. We're all comfortable around each other.
I'm starting to want? something more. Or, maybe a better way to put it, I'm wanting to keep what I've got and get more at the same time. I want the security blanket that the department and my art friends provide, but I also want the option of spreading my wings and getting out.
The problem is, I don't know where OUT is.
I've lived in a couple different places in my life. I lived in Washington for the first 9 years of my life, made a cross country move to Kentucky, and now I'm living in Indiana (during the school year). And yet, I don't really feel driven to return to or stay in any of these places. Certainly, they have their good aspects- I have family in Washington and Kentucky that I love very much, and friends all over Indiana- but it doesn't quite feel right.
Let me put it this way. There are beautiful and wonderful things about all the places I've lived so far. I like them really well. But there's nothing about them that says "live here. put down roots here. stick around for a while".
I mean, I know I've got plenty of time to figure it out. And I'm not totally stuck on living in one place for the rest of my life either- I didn't grow up doing that, and it's hard to imagine spending more than ten years in one place! But I'd like to have some idea of where I want to go, and right now I don't.
Some of the things that have kind of forced my thoughts into "the real world" have been my current job and my internship hunt. My job insomuch as it's been the first little needle to pop my "art bubble" in a long time. Which, while it was (and still can be!) disorienting, I really think I've learned a lot from it. I like to whine about it from time to time, as it is very time-consuming, but I really do enjoy it. It's a challenge, but a good one. I like having my mind and communication skills stretched- I need that as a comic artist.
But it's been my internship hunt that has really forced my hand and made me consider where I want to be after I graduate next year. There have times during my hunt that I've thought that I have no options; and now I'm finding that there may be too many in too many places! I don't have one yet, but just seeing the wide variety of firms out there is rather overwhelming. It's hard to fathom that in a year or two I won't be interning at a design firm- I'll be working at one.
But on the same note, who knows, maybe I won't even end up at a design firm. Maybe I will be in a foreign country doing mission work, or making millions off of my comic! XP
I guess what this comes down to is discomfort. I'm between places, and oftentimes those are the most uncomfortable places to be. "I'm afraid to live and afraid to die" at this point; I'm standing on the brink, waiting for things to happen.
On the bright side of this discomfort though, I'm finding that I'm having to turn to God more and more often. I'm not on fire yet. But with each little journal entry and each little minute I set aside to chill with Him, I start to think it's going to be alright. It's funny, because I feel like I get this same lesson every few months, but it never really sticks. It's like I have to have a mini-panic-episode to calm down and realize hey, God really does got this.
I'm praying for more good moments of praise as the days go on. I'm still very busy, but I hope that I will be granted the serenity to know when it's time to just let it go and let the stream take me where it will. Perhaps when I finally let it go- whatever it is, my fears about getting an internship, anxieties about classes or work- I'll realize that I'm already where I need to be, or close to it.
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